I began another Bible study by Beth Moore last week. It’s her new one on James. The group of women that meets together for this study is AWESOME!!! I can honestly say there is no doubt that this group of individual, beautiful souls, was hand picked by The Man Himself!
I have to say that I don’t think that my journey through this study is going to look like what I thought it was going to look like. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am going to have to deal with more of the family stuff that I thought I was going to be able to pack away for a long while.
I don’t think that any more.
It seemed that each day of the book this week, some how there was something to do with the stinking family garbage that I’ve been dealing with for over 13 years now.
I will be honest – I don’t want to deal with it. Even if it’s dealing with it in my own heart and not even having to confront the actual person or issues in the middle of it. I would just like for it to fade quietly into the sunset.
Unfortunately, after 13 years it hasn’t done that yet.
Why?
I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that the feeling of rejection is deep, painful and long lasting.
Add to that the human nature of wanting someone to feel the same hurt they have made you feel, and you have one big, steamy pile of MESS.
Yet – in the midst of all of that ‘ick’
God is good, all the time…
ALL the time, God is SO good!
So…with that being said, I’m buckling up for a ride through the Book of James that is certain to look just the way Go intend for it to look just for me at this season of my life.
A year ago in Tucson Jared Loughner, for whatever reason, decided to go on a killing spree here in the Old Pueblo.
It was horrific in every way imaginable.
I am not sure if there was one rational person in our city who wasn’t thinking ‘Why?’
I was with 2 girlfriends that day, both expecting babies in the coming months and we were less than a mile away when this all happened. I never said it out loud, but being with those two on that day, watching the events unfold with them, I truly had a fear in my heart for their precious little ones yet to join us in the world. How hard it was to wrap my head around the thought that it is still possible to raise hopeful children of faith in this horribly fallen world.
In the days that followed I found myself truly heartbroken for not only those who were lost and wounded, but in all honesty, I was shattered for the mother of this man who caused all of this destruction. You can read my post on it HERE.
I still grieve for her and wonder how she is doing in the midst of knowing that her son, by an act of his own will, has done something so horrible and will never have life again. Her baby boy that, I would imagine, she welcomed into the world 20+ years ago with joy and love. The baby she cuddled and rocked. What must that have done to her soul?
We live in such a ruined world. It is the fault of man – plain and simple. From the beginning, our backs have been turned from God.
How His heart must break. Yet, in the midst of His heartbroken state, He provides us a way of hope. In the middle of our horrible, wretched and broken state, when we turn to Him, He makes us new.
NEW! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
And – He makes the ugliness within beautiful.
How blessed are we that God, who create all things, has the mercy and grace and says to us, “I know you have really messed up, but here is MY Son and He will clean up your mess with His sacrifice. Not only that, once he has done that for you, I will make you beautiful again. Because I love you so much.”
On this day that we remember the Tragedy in Tucson…may we also remember that God makes all things new for those who believe in Him. We do not live in a hopeless world – but we choose the state in which we live.
This video perfect puts in to music the message of the post.
(Watch the video clips – they are worth your time!! I promise!!)
Here we are on the first day of a new year.
It’s 2012…and welcome to it.
(A little about the photo above – this was the hawk outside of our back patio this morning first thing. Roger said, “Put your zoom lens on and get out here.” I’ve learned not to question when he says this – I just do it! I thought this was a great visual to the way I would like to begin the new year – soaring!)
I, like most people, have been sitting around contemplating what I would like to see come out of myself in the next 12 months. Call them resolutions, goals, plan, etc. Whatever they are – they are ways that we see to make improvements inside and out.
Of course, every year it seems that the ‘lose weight’ goal is on the schedule. I started last year pretty good on this one…but due to the cancer scare and the lumps, had to stop the way in which I lost that weight. I’ve managed to keep 20 of the 30 off that I lost – but I want to lose more and that means a new outlook on some things. That’s ok – I have a plan and I believe it will be good for both Roger and I.
This year I intend on my ‘resolution’ to be more of an inside out thing – and the rest will follow.
The perfect movie for the first day of a new year was on this morning. It’s called ‘Facing the Giants’, and yes, it is a ‘Christian’ themed movie…but I encourage you, no matter what your spiritual status, watch this movie if you haven’t already. It is powerful and motivating. And…if you like football – even better.
This movie starts out rough. For anyone who has struggled with failure and fear – it’s hard to watch. And hey, isn’t that all of us? I can hardly make it through the first 10 minutes before I’m crying…my soul is struck so deeply every time I watch it (and yes…we own this one).
In the first 3rd of the movie the coach finds a new ‘Team Philosophy” that is really a life philosophy. In his speech to the team laying out this new philosophy of how are you living your life, there is a quote that I ADORE:
“I have resolved to give God everything I’ve got…then I’ll leave the results up to Him.” Watch this video clip from the movie and tell me it doesn’t hit home.
How powerful is that? I am not a bystander to the game that is my life – I am an ACTIVE PARTICIPANT. I need to give all that I have to the One I have given my heart to – and the He will take the ball and run with it.
The next scene in the movie is a clip on the practice field. It is so powerful that no words I write here can come close to the actual scene and word in it – so here is ‘The Death Crawl’.
So, my resolution is one that will set the tone for all of the other goals I have (more on those in a later post): I resolve to give God my Best - my everything – then I will leave the results up to Him. I don’t need to fear, panic, worry, or anything else – just give Him the best of my everything, and He will honor that. Should there be pain, or sorrow or tough times, it will be ok, because I will know that He is using those moments and times to make me stronger.
Yes – my resolution is to give Him my everything and my overall word for the year is ‘Uplifting’ (more on that in a later post too)
Here's to givine Him my BEST in all that I am and all that I am...and to becoming stronger.
I’ve been thinking about a lot of things these days.
I think that tends to happen (more so than other times when I’m thinking about things) when you or someone you love goes through something horrible.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love and longing.
We long for a lot of things…at different times of life, those longings change. These longings are different according to each person and they run the full spectrum:
Money
Love
Children
Marriage
Happiness
God
Security
Employment
Home
Family
And so on…
I found myself on Christmas, as I was surrounded by my immediate family, in the midst of so much love I could hardly see straight, still longing for acceptance from someone I haven’t had it from – probably since I was an infant, but certainly for a good portion of my adult life. Ad then…it was gone. In my world…that longing comes and goes during the year. I’ve come to accept it as part of the ebb and flow of my yearly growing. Each time it creeps up, I have learned to accept and embrace the learning curve it brings and allow God to heal through the hurt.
So...back to longings.
In the midst of my Christmas day ‘moment’, I started really thinking about the fact that God has longings too. He longs for us to love Him. Longs for us to let him take our troubles, cares and worries and make them better. Longs for us to let Him make us better. Longs for us to stop relying on our futile attempts to ‘fix’ our lives, and let Him fix it for good – and in ways that are for better than we could ever imagine.
Most of the time the world, and even those of us who say we follow him, turn our noses up at the idea of allowing him to take control. After all, we always seem to think we know better…that we know what’s best for our lives. And yet, even on our best day, with our best efforts, our attempts are pitiful in comparison to what He has to offer.
I don’t want to do that anymore…but I know I will. AND, the best part of that is I know, without a doubt, God will be there when I fall to my knees and beg Him to please take my life over and make pretty the mess that I created by thinking I can control it all.
Silly girl I am…
This leads to the video.
First, let me know that I do know this is the main song from the latest Twilight movie. Let me also say…I have not seen any of these movies – not a fan at all.
That being said, this song is beautiful (disclaimer for those who expect it to be a ‘Christian’ song – it’s not) – in all of the ways it is important for a song to make a statement. The first time I listened to it I thought it was a great love song, and soon to be a song played at weddings worldwide! However, as I listened to it over and over again I began to hear the lyrics from different perspectives:
A Mother to a Child…
A Spouse to a Spouse…
And…
A conversation between us and our God – us expressing fear and Him expressing that He has loved us forever (a thousand year is not forever…but you get the gist) before we existed, and will love us forever into eternity.
It’s been a question repeating in my head, and crossing my lips often since Friday.
Why, God, why!?
My dearest friend, and sister of my heart, learned on Friday that the child she was waiting to bring in to the world in May was suffering from a horrible and rare defect that was not going to allow it to live. On Thursday she will give this little one back into the hand of God.
That was not supposed to be the new she received that day. She and her fiancé were supposed to hear that they were going to deliver a healthy baby girl or boy. She was supposed to call and say, “Stacy…you and Roger are going to have a god-son (or daughter)”. She was supposed to leave there and head directly to purchase the first of many pink or blue outfits. We were supposed to talk about all of the ridiculous purchases we were making for this little one.
Not this…this was not supposed to happen. No it is not.
She wasn't supposed to have to give this little one back to heaven so soon.
I don’t understand why this happened – and of all people, to my sweet Crystal.
Why God? Why!?
I know that God has a plan. I know that we live in a fallen world in fallen bodies that are subject to horrible things in the environment. I know that God sees what we don’t and protects from things that might even be worse.
I know these things in my head.
I cannot, for the life of me, get my heart to understand these things.
My heart is broken…for Thomas and Crystal. Broken for this little child that I was so looking forward to being the best Auntie to. Broken for the future that was dreamed of.
Broken…
You see, Crystal has been through enough. She is so strong…but everyone has a breaking point. I worry. I pray. I cry. I fear for her. This has been the worst and best of times crammed in to the past 18 months for her (read here to see just how things have happened).
So God could you please show us why? Or better yet, provide such a comfort and healing that the why no longer matters because it’s all ok.
I’ve been clinging to this song lately. The line that hits me hard from the Longfellow poem is “God is not dead nor does He sleep” I have been begging God to show himself in the midst of this awful situation.
Not just the actual day of Christmas (although, being with my family; cooking for them and watching them smile and laugh brings me GREAT joy)…no, the whole Christmas season and all that it is about.
I find myself often thinking about Mary (I do this more than at Christmas time)
I wonder just how she did it? What were the thoughts going through her head at the time she delivered the Savior of the entire world – from here to eternity? Could she even entertain thoughts like that?
I love being a mom…I’ve loved it from the time I first felt PJ flutter inside me. I was in so over my head – 17 and pregnant and not knowing how to deal with all that surrounded it. I’m sure that every mom-to-be feels like that in some way. No matter, the idea that a life was going to enter the world and be a part of my life forever was so intriguing and awesome I was just dumbfounded at the feelings I had. Warm-fuzzies are an understatement. And when I held him for the first time, looked in to those amazing blue eyes of his, ran my hand over his beautiful blonde curls and kissed his sweet cheeks, I could not imagine how I could love something so much so fast? I could my heart be big enough to hold this joy? He was finally here…in my arms.
I know that I was born to be a mom. More than that, I was born to be PJ’s mom. How blessed am I!
Mary was born to be Christ’s mom. Talk about blessed. And yet, there are those questions – what must she have felt? I have no doubt that she experienced the same feelings all moms feel before a child joins the family (be it through birth or adoption). But the questions must have been so much deeper than any of us can imagine.
Wow.
I believe I’ve been thinking about this more and more lately because I am around someone often who has seemed to ‘miss’ the idea of what being a mom is all about. The thought that the child she has been blessed with is just that, a blessing, I think has been lost on her. It’s sad to hear her talk about her child in a manner that leaves me cold. I want to shake this person. To tell her, “hey…you won’t have him for long – he’s a GIFT – treasure him and lift him up!” Often I find myself wanting to call PJ to say, “I love you so much,” just so I know for certain it has been said to at least one child!!!
And so, that leads me back to Mary and the blessing of her Child…to her and to the world.
I have fallen in love with this song (lyrics below the video). It sums up what moms in general feel, but what Mary must have felt. Halleluiah…YOU’RE HERE!!!!
“You’re Here”
by Francesca Battistelli
Hold on now, I gotta take a deep breath I don`t know what to say when I look in your eyes You made the world before I was born Here I am holding you in my arms tonight Noel, noel, Jesus our Emmanuel
You`re here, I’m holding you so near I`m starring into the face of my savior, king and creator you could`ve left us on our own, but you`re here don`t know how long I’m gonna have you for But I’ll be watching when you change the world I Look at your hand, they`re still so small Someday you`re going to stretch them out and save us all Noel, noel, God with us Emmanuel
You`re here, I’m holding you so near I`m staring into the face of my savior, king and creator They could`ve left us on our own, but you`re here you`re here someday I’m gonna look back on this The night that god became a baby boy Someday you're gonna go home again, But you leave your spirit and flood the world with joy
You`d be here, I’m holding you so near I`m staring into the face of my savior, king and creator They could`ve left me on my own, but you`re here you`re here Hallelujah you`re here hallelujah
The past 10 days have been some that I will never forget.
Ever…
I got that ‘dreaded’ Jury notice in the mail back in October. I thought maybe I would be in one of the ‘lucky’ groups that would be dismissed. Not so – I got a reprieve of 1 week and then had to report on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at the Arizona Superior Court Building.
I’ve been there before. I served on a civil land use case several years ago (snore).
I actually didn’t mind being called to go down there. I mean, it’s not like it ever comes at a convenient time. Alas, I grabbed my book and headed out the door at 6:45 last Tuesday morning so I could get through security and in the room by 7:30. I truly thought I would be sitting there all day and then get sent home.
Well…I sat there all day – but not where I thought I would be sitting.
By 8:15 I had been called in the first group of 70 into a courtroom. I was in the first group of 26 who had assigned seating in the courtroom, and within that group I was Juror #13 (no…I didn’t take that as a ‘sign’).
And then the process of jury selection began – it was about 9:00.
When the judge started with a brief explanation of the case I thought ‘oh dear’.
Alas…there never came a question that I could answer, without lying, that would have gotten me out. It was meant to be and I’m ok with that. Looking back at some of the moments, I have no doubt I was supposed to be on that jury.
After an all day process of questions eliminations, more questions, etc; at 3:45 the final 14 of us were picked (2 would be randomly selected as alternates after all of the trial was over).
Jury instructions were read, we were sworn in and the admonition was rendered, and I became Juror #7.
Day 1 was over and I was out of the online news, newspaper and television news for the duration of the trial (I would learn later that there was a lot in the news and my family members were struggling knowing that there was information we probably didn’t know – and couldn’t know.)
This was a horrible murder. A 16 year old girl decided that she hated her dad (he was too strict) and he needed to be ‘gone’. She convinced her 19 year old boyfriend, who was so in love with her he was blind to just about everything, to help her kill him. Without going in to all of the horrid details, the photos and images we saw were things that I wonder if they will ever be gone from my mind. You can read some about it here: Ray Coronado Murder Trial
Alas, after 5 days of presenting their cases and 2 days of deliberating, the 12 of us came back with a guilty verdict on all 3 charges. This young man is now facing 2 life sentences. The girl copped a please when we were in the middle of our trial and will serve a 20-22 year sentence with no chance of early release.
I must say, to anyone out there who thinks they might easily come to a guilty verdict, I think you might be wrong. I was in agony over this. The law was clear, and I never doubted he played a key part in this crime, but my heart was breaking. This was a good boy with a tender heart who did an unspeakable thing. Through the love, however twisted in might have been, he had for this girl he was able to see beyond right and wrong – even if it was only for a moment.
Make no mistake, I believe there were some awful things that happened to that young girl when she was growing up.
I’m in the midst of processing all of this. The 2 weeks in that room were thick with emotion, and yet we could show none of it on our faces. I find myself now crying at random times, not sleeping, having a sick stomach, thinking abut the whole process, hoping that he will be ok and that somehow he finds the Saving Grace that I know will get him through.
The big thing I keep thinking is that they didn’t just kill her father that night…they took their own lives too. It was only a matter of time before they got caught, and once they did, their lives were over.
So sad.
Two mothers have to mourn the loss of the children they once knew. Two families have to somehow come to terms with the fact that their own children, the little ones they gave life to, are capable of this heinous act.
As the song goes, “The sharp knife of a young life."
I know I will be writing more about this in the weeks to come. I would imagine this will be something that will take a while to come to full terms with and understanding of.
This past week started off with the knowledge that a sweet friend and Brother in Christ went home to be with The Father. To that end, this post is in honor of him.
Jon Kouba was truly one of the sweetest people I have had the pleasure of knowing. He was taken far too soon in my opinion, but I’m pretty sure the God needed him in Heaven and I am certain that Jon is singing with the angels and happier than any of us could ever imagine.
The week I started at La Paloma in 2006, Jon had just returned back to work after recovering from a stroke. My fellow co-workers explained to me what had happened and I would just stare at him in utter amazement. Of course, Jon was the type of person that if he caught you looking his direction for very long, you were going to meet him face to face before too long!! Sure enough, he caught me in the hallway one morning and we struck up a conversation.
I didn’t have to wait long at all to feel the connection that you have with another Believer. It was almost instant once we started talking. This man could make you smile on any given day, and it really didn’t matter how bad of a day you might be having – he made it his personal mission to bring a smile to your face! It came to be that I would look forward to going to lunch at the same time as he and his best friend, Andrew, just so I could get a little giggle in for the afternoon!
Jon was an adopted part of the Reservations Gals. He would come over to our offices and give us a hard time and we would give it right back. We (the Girls: aka Margarita Mamas) would go out about once a month for margaritas and often Jon would join us…for his usual diet Coke. Those nights were filled with so much laughter and girl talk we often said that we were scarring Jon for any future woman in his world…although he would certainly be well educated on the ways women think!! Seriously, I can’t remember one of those nights that I left not having laughed until I cried. And when we would walk to the parking lot, there Jon was…one man in the middle of 4-5 women – cracked me up!
After Jon got his job in Angel Fire we would have a lot of Facebook private conversations as well as poking fun at each other on each other’s walls. Goodness could he get a person riled up! He loved it, and I could just imagine him sitting back and thinking to himself, ‘let’s stir the pot a little!’ Aside from the funny stuff, we would talk a lot about God’s mercy and grace and our spiritual walks. I ALWAYS knew that God was in the midst of our conversations and that Jon was the ‘iron sharpening iron’ in my life. Between him and my husband the two of them challenged me on several levels. I am a better and stronger Christian because of Jon’s presence in my life.
I was saying to a friend this week that I’m not sad for Jon AT ALL. No Sir, I know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that he is in Glory with the Father and I wouldn’t deny him of that ever. He is now out of pain and is enjoying eternal life. I am sad for those who are let here without him. For his family, his mom who no longer gets to hold her ‘baby’ and kiss that sweet, sweet face. We mourn, but we don’t really mourn for Jon, we mourn for ourselves. For it is those of us who remain here who are left with a huge hole in our hearts where Jon’s presence used to be.
My goal is to try not to get lost in the mire of grief – but to do what I know Jon would tell us to do…”don’t be sad, I’m literally in Heaven”. I aim to be a better person because of the person Jon was and the memory that he has left behind.
Rest in Peace Sweet Prince…
Because Jon and I often would talk about God's great love for us - the video selection is in honor of our wonder in the love that has been so freely given.
I’ve been a bad blogger. Actually – I’ve been a very busy blogger and life has somehow taken over once again. If ever I think that I might have some smidge of control…well, I might if I could master that little 2-letter word. You know the one; starts with an ‘n’ and ends with an ‘o’. Yeah…that one – I haven’t really mastered the art of using that word.
Oh well…no one to blame but myself I guess.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that we go through that make us stronger. The moments that seem to define who we will be, how we will act (or react), and what direction we might go on our life journey.
As a woman of faith, my moments are what draw me closer to my Father in Heaven. Often I don’t even see the strength that I have gained from a specific situation until I’m brought face to face with it again in someone else’s world. Helping them get through those moments.
So, back to what I’ve been thinking about : a reflection of moments in my life and moments that I’ve watch God bring about strength in others close to me…just a few.
Facing parenthood brought about in a way quite earth-shattering. At 17 it was a wonder I knew anything, much less how to take care of myself after something like that. Being concerned about my parents and what they were going through at the time; not wanting to burden them. Now as a parent I see that it wouldn’t have matter what they were going through, they would have dropped everything to take care of the family. Ah youth, always thinking we know the best when we are young. In that, just the sheer definition of being a mom and all that would entail. How could I have known what would be ahead? There is no way to prepare for parenthood. The love you feel, the deep, breath-sucking love that truly is as if your heart is now on the outside of your body.
Stronger…
Being rejected by a family member who was supposed to love and protect you, always and forever, with unconditional love – no matter what. Ugh. This one defined me in ways I would rather not think about…for some time. It does not anymore, other than it is a reminder of what NOT to do. That, no matter what, I’m the parent. I chose to bring PJ in to this world and I choose, through thick and thin; good and bad; agreements and disagreements, to love him and foster the growth of our friendship. Also in that, to recognize that people can only do their best with what they have known and what they have been given. You do have to do your best though – otherwise it’s just a cop-out.
Stronger…
Watching my dearest friend (and sister not by birth) walk through caring for her mom as mental illness and physical illness ravaged her mind and body. Seeing her come home day in and day out for over 2 years not know what she was going to find (and being part of a horrible, awful, no-good day that both of us would rather forget I’m sure, and yet I think it was one of those moments that bonded us together forever). Aching to make things better for both of them and yet being able to see what was coming, like a train, and being unable to stop it. Yet, in that and the inevitable moment at the end, being so blessed by what was a visible and active manifestation of God’s own hand walking this beautiful woman in to Glory. It seems odd to say ‘blessed’, but that is the only way I can describe it. It was an honor to be together as she went to a place far more amazing an incomprehensible than we could imagine.
Stronger…
Praise God He sees fit to grow me in ways that I would NOT choose for myself…but HE knows me better than I know myself and stretches me in ways that would only happen through those particular circumstances. Don’t get me wrong…they are not always fun, and most of the time I fuss and fret, but in the end, well, in the end…
It is the word that I chose for my “One Little Word’ class that began in January.
It is a word whose physical and tangible translation we all have such difficulty walking out.
On this day that we remember so many who gave of themselves, in moments of sheer terror and panic who thought of others and not themselves: the husbands who called their new brides to say they loved them and always would; the moms who phoned home to leave a message for their children, “live the best life ever – and I will always be with you”; the wives who phones just to say they were ok, knowing that it would be the last thing their families would hear from them. The firemen and police officers who ran, against the people streaming into the streets, back in to the buildings – again, not thinking of themselves, but of those who were trapped.
Where is our grace? To whom do we show grace to?
How many Muslims lost their lives that day? Not the zealots of the religion – those are the cowards. But the Muslims who lived the grace of their belief daily, trying to walk out the non-violent portions of the tenants they put their faith in. They lost that day as well.
Yet, in the midst of so much rhetoric and misplaced passion, I think so many times we lose site of the grace that is expected of us.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t stand firm in our patriotism and our belief in justice – but not everyone who believes in Mohammed believes in what those cowards chose to do that day (and in the days since).
Likewise, there are those in our country who would choose to sit back and not take a stand for our freedom and liberties. The thing on that is – patriotism is our moral obligation for the freedoms so many who preceded us fought and died for. Patriotism is not passive – it is passion. Patriotism is not observation – it is participation.
And so, today we remember.
We show grace and mercy. Because it has been shown to us.
We learn to find and show our Patriotism…if for nothing else than to honor those who lost their lives on 9-11-01.
