Living Out Loud

Leaving the old...entering the new...

Tomorrow we welcome 2013.

Another year come and gone.

Seriously…where is the time going? It seems to fly by faster and faster as the years go by. Or, maybe it has always gone with the same speed – however, as we get older (and hopefully wise) it is only then that we realize the important things still remaining to be accomplished and the time to do so is
less and less.

The past few years I have chosen a word for the year to apply to my life. It started with a scrapbooking – or some similar site/blog/class (I just can’t remember which!). Last Year's word was “Uplifting”. It actually started at Uplifting...and within a week morphed in to Grace as I found myself seeing both of those words entertwined in the immediate events at the beginning of 2012. Funny thing…when you choose a word that there will be things that come along in your life to put the full definition of that word in to play…and hopefully to allow the full meaning of what it should be to take root in your life. Living a life of grace naturally lends itself to being uplifting - and, you certainly must be actively participating in life to make either one of thoe 'action words'.

Grace was a good word for me last year. On so many levels I was presented with situations in which to give grace (often when I did not feel like it was warranted), to receive grace, to live grace, to be graceful and to find grace under pressure. I certainly had moments where I would forget about my
word of the year…not to be so for long as a situation would rise wherein it was brought to the forefront of my attention quite rapidly! God’s kinda funny that way.

The past six months have been months of reflections and introspect for me. Those moments of figuring out what is supposed to be meaningful in my life? What is supposed to make me happy? Which direction is my creative bent going to take me? If I am being honest…I have had more than my share of moments where I wished that it would just come to me…the inspiration, the knowledge, the finished products. That is truth…there is no ‘graceful’ way to put that. It’s just the pure, selfish, lazy truth. And then, the real truth sunk in again (it usually does, I just have to process those moments)…nothing good comes without hard work. If you want to know photography…you have to get out there and learn it! You have that camera for a reason…use it. No one else is going to do it for you – you have to learn the way you learn and that way is usually getting out there and practicing. Trying. Failing. Pick yourself up and move forward again.

In all things creative…comparison to others only creates a learning curve that is unfair to
yourself and robs you of the joy of discovering who you are in the art. As the wonderful Dr. Seuss said,

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

I am guilty of comparing…not a trait of Grace. Yet, I am still learning. Still growing.

And now we embark on 2013. A new year means a new word.

I started pondering the word I want to apply to my life for 2013 about 6 weeks ago. I will be honest and let you know that, at first I thought I would find a word that would have lessons surrounding it that might not be so ‘painful’ and ‘character building’. You know…trying for the easy way out (as if
reverse psychology would work on The Big Guy!).

In the end, I have chosen a word that I think will best represent what I have started here at the end of 2012.

TRANSFORM

I have my own plans for how the word Transform will fit in to my world:

• Running (my new little fitness thing)
• Eating Better
• Creating more
• Developing my photography skills more
• Becoming deeper spiritually
• Understanding my body better
• Forgiving in full

However, I’m not a silly girl…I know that God will have His own idea of how Transform will be played out in my life. While there is a part of me that will start out with a little trepidation as to what lessons might unfold…I completely understand that I serve a God who is bigger than my wildest imaginings. A God who has nothing but the best in store for me and who will see that I become the person I am supposed to be if I will allow Him to direct my paths. I’m ok with a little trepidation because of that. I don’t want to run from Him and His plans…I can’t ever get away from
Him…nor do I ever want to. I’m excited!

So…with the word for StacyMac in2013 clearly outlined…Let the Transformation begin!!!

Happy New Year to you all.

November 29-Thankful Thought:

Today my thankful moment needed a bit of its own blog post.
I’m so thankful for music.

All kinds of music.

I don’t discriminate – I pretty much like it all (ok…I have
a problem with the real hard head-banger stuff). My iPod holds music from Rush,
Van Halen, Enya, Bach, Clay Akins, Bruno Mars, Ms. Jepson, Ke$hia, Brad Paisley,
and so on.

That said, my heart is drawn to Christian music…it feeds my
soul.

Actually, I feel like God uses music to speak to me. And
yes, God does speak to me…in a voice that I understand. However, I don’t always
listen…and sometimes He has to resort to tactics because I’m so busy and I fail
to slow down.

To me, music is the way He touches my soul.

When the first chords are struck on a guitar or the keys are
stroked on a piano that is like Him reaching out to take my hand. The next
notes are Him saying, “Just come and walk with me for a bit.”

And then the lyrics begin and it brings me to a place that feeds
me. I am taken to a deeper train of thought. Brought outside of myself for
those moments in order to see that there is so much more that the box I find
myself hiding in from day to day.

My favorite artists aren’t always the most current – they don’t
need to be…it’s what speaks to me. Steven Curtis Chapman (my family continually
mocks me because I have loved him for 25 years), Bebo Norman, Tenth Avenue
North, Jars of Clay, City Harmonic, Gungor, Big Daddy Weave, Francesca
Batistelli, Jeremy Camp, and the list could go on and on!

I pulled a few of my very favorite songs right now – the video
links are below. No one has to watch them…but if you need a lift in any way –
and you believe in a high power (even if you don’t) – take a few moments. What’s
it going to hurt? Right now, Big Daddy Weave is on repeat!

Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed

Mandisa - God Speaking

Gungor - Beautiful Things

City Harmonic - Manifesto

 

Of Randomness...

I’m just taking a little pause from the specific family member ‘props’ right now. I am getting to the age that, if I don’t get down my thoughts pretty much as they occur, they might never pop back into my head!

In the midst of sheer exhaustion (physically and emotionally) I find that I hear God the clearest. He seems to point out things that I might have otherwise missed in the middle of all of my business. While I can’t stand being brought to a standstill in my world – and I just don’t understand why I can’t do it all with unlimited and boundless energy – I do adore these amazing moments of clarity about some of the most random things (random to me…not to Him!).

Obviously, the past little while I’ve been dealing with that feeling of aloneness in the midst of chaos. Last night and today I’ve been thinking about where I come from and what I’m made of? Whose steps do I walk in? Who paved the way before me?

If I think about that – it can be overwhelming. I have been doing my family genealogy for many years now and it’s a lot of work. I still am only on 2 paternal branches on the Williamson side of the family and I’m amazed at a few things: One-how far I have been able to get back (right around AD 417 – but once you get out of the royalty – it’s hard after that as we soon come to understand Günter’s Dotter!!!), and Two – How amazing some of the women in my family line are. What they have gone through and the true stories in their lives. 

See the tree excerpt next to this…that “Lady G G of Coventry” – that’s Lady Godiva. Then you think she rode naked just for grins and giggles – or some scandalous reason HERE is her story. She was pretty amazing. And she is one of my distant Great Grand Mothers. Ok…so her husband was sort of a jerk…but we all have a few nuts in the family fruitcake!

So – that’s an amazing set of footsteps to walk in. There are many kings and queens in my line thus far (several Kings of Scotland).

That is obviously not the end of studying where we come from – there are several lines to Ireland as well. I am obviously a fan of the Irish (I am, after all, married to a MacLaren!). The tattoo I sport is also proof of that. I love Irish proverbs and wisdom.

This weekend while I’ve been pondering all of these things with God, the Irish Proverb, “It is in the shelter of each other that people live.” Has been floating around. I love, love, love that. If I were to get another tattoo it would be that in Gaelic.  (Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireas na daoine).

I love the idea that we shelter each other.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very aware that we do a phenomenal job of ripping each other to shreds as well. Sadly, those of us who call ourselves Christ Followers are often the greatest offenders (and leaders of the church are not exempt from this behavior – they are often the ones who wound the deepest and couch it under the guise of ‘wisdom’ or ‘caution’).

However, at its core, that idea is so amazing. We are the living embodiment of God’s shelter in a storm. We can be each other’s refuge – quiet in the noise – calm in the eye of the hurricane.

The photo as the top of the page was taken when my friend and I went to Sedona for my birthday last year. It was a photo trip and a girl’s get away…and a much needed time for both of us to get away. To say that God spoke, LOUDLY, to both of us that trip would be an incredible understatement. When we came across this old building I had no idea how many times it would be
used to bring about a visual reference to a lesson God was trying to walk me through.

When I was thinking about all of this stuff today, this building came to mind again. How many people has it sheltered over the years? In the middle of nowhere I’m sure it has appeared to the weary and lost as a palace in the middle of the desert. A shelter.

And then…there is this song (and funny that they found that same Irish Proverb as inspiration as well) – I’m in awe at how God has wrapped all of these random things up for me and presented them. They are certainly random…but I love it and I love that they are a part of my life.

 

Shelter

(Jars of Clay)

To all who are looking down

Holding onto hearts still wounding

For those who’ve yet to find it

The places near where love is moving

Cast off the robes you’re wearing

Set aside the names that you’ve been given

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey

Bind you to hope, you will never walk alone

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live

In the shelter of each other, we will live, we will live

Your arms are all around us

If our hearts have turned to stone

There is hope, we know the rocks will cry out

And the tears aren’t ours alone

Let them fall into the hands that hold us

Come away from where you’re hiding

Set aside the lies that you’ve been living

May this place of rest in the fold of your journey

Bind you to hope that we will never walk alone

If there is any peace, if there is any hope

We must all believe, our lives are not our own

We all belong

God has given us each other

And we will never walk alone

© 2010 Bridge Building / Pogostick Music (BMI). All rights for the world on behalf of Pogostick Music administered by Bridge Building.

Flying Solo, Child...

I posted my Thankful Thought for November 9, 2012 as I’m thankful for being an Only Child.

I really am. I was thinking about it as I drove home today.

It’s been a long week.

No, it’s been a long many weeks.

My being thankful for my order of birth – an order of 1 – was brought about by a random event.

I had a small meltdown in Target today. I was there picking up a few things for the weekend (this is my nothing but jammies weekend) and I came around the corner to see all of the Christmas stuff. I don’t know why, but that triggered in my the overwhelming sense of missing my dear friend, and then all of a sudden I found myself swallowing around a HUGE lump in my throat, hiding by the Christmas lights trying to keep my eyes from spilling over! Yes, this really did happen.

That was the random event!

I started thinking about how, in a store filled with people, I can feel completely alone…full of lonely feelings. Yet, at the same time, in a store full of people I don’t know (or a party, or a social event) I can go up to most people and strike up a conversation.

Being an Only Child has created both sides of the coin we shall call Stacy Mac!

I have fought the stereo type of the Only Child my whole life: I am a spoiled brat.

No…I’ve actually busted my hump to get what I have and I was blessed to have parents raise me with a strong work ethic, while at the same time providing me with a wonderful life where I
didn’t have to experience a lot of want (but I learned early on, you earn everything…one way or another…so you don’t take it for granted.).

Lest you ever hear me talk about a brother or sister…there is a step-family. A Family that I saw only in the summer months. My step-mother had 2 kids from her prior marriage.

I won’t go in to details, however, I apparently didn’t fit their family mold as an adult and they have
completely disowned me (and my son) for the past 13+ years (their loss is the way I see it).

At any rate – for all reality – I have been an only child.

Here is what being an Only Child has made me:

• Caring
• Empathetic
• Giving
• Over Achieving
• Strong
• Shy and outgoing at the same time
• Emotional
• I don’t suffer fools
• I’m a sweetie, unless you cross me
• I’m so loyal – and if you cross me I will give you another shot – but after that…to trust you again would be like me handing you a loaded gun!
• I live for my family & friends
• When I am missing a friend, I’m missing a piece of my heart
• I don’t like to be in the silence for long
• I can occupy myself – but I can be easily bored
• I hurt deeply – and usually people don’t even know
• I’m willful
• I’m prideful
• I’m stinkin’ funny (and yes, I do know it!)
• I am me…Stacy Mac

Thankful for being an Only Child…because He makes Beautiful Things!

 

Of Elections, Free Speech, Broken Hearts and Freedom...

Well...2012 will go down as the 6th presidential election that I've voted in. It will also be the year that my heart was truly the most saddened of all those elections.

 

I am not going to use this post to talk about WHY I think Romney/Ryan should have won the ticket. Those are my opinions (and...Contrary to what some might believe, I actually have not always voted along my party line – my parents will die – but I did vote for Clinton the first time…shhhh!) and I will keep them as such. They don’t really matter at this point anyway – other than the fact that I did vote, therefore that does grant me the honor and right to fuss should I so choose.

 

What breaks my heart is the idea that so many from the other side treat this (and the way they are speaking to, and about, those of us who voted ‘red’) as though it’s a lost football or basketball game.

 

It’s not.

 

This is not the Monday-Morning-Water-Cooler-Slamming type of event.

 

It wasn’t a dropped pass or a missed 3-pointer.

 

Some of us see it as a life-changing event.

 

If the tables were reversed I would think that others would want a little time to adjust to the fact that what they considered a chance for true change (the way it is viewed by each side) had just been lost for the next 4 years.

 

However, what I saw/read today was not that. It was a lot of ‘rubbing noses in it’.

 

It broke my heart even more.

 

Then there is the fact that, in so many of these writing and conversations I was seeing and hearing, those who were ‘speaking’ actually admitted to the fact that they only vote party lines…because that’s just the way it is. They don’t research anything or anyone.

 

That is just sad.

 

Yes, it’s hard to find any news organization that isn’t bent one direction or another. However, if you do enough earnest research and honest comparison of all the information – from all sides – you should be able to put together an informed opinion (I do not consider ‘voting the party line’
informed…it’s just not.)

 

I’m not really certain a lot of that happened…on either side of the fence.

 

Such as, doing a little research on the proposed cuts in spending. If you think that $600 Billion in spending cuts won’t have an effect on people you know (IE…the one who is writing this blog post), you are sorely wrong. If you have any work in the defense industry at all…it’s coming. Think I’m wrong? Come with me to talk to the gentleman trying to help us plan our retirement…from the
defense industry. We are still paying for our son’s education – do I think that could be affected – you bet. But, had I not researched all of the information on that, from both the red AND the blue side, I wouldn’t have known all of the ins and outs.

 

Or, what about those of us considering starting our own business? Who knows if this is the time to do so…considering the taxes and such. Oh, and the fact that if you are a small business owner, you don’t build your business yourself anyway.

 

Do I think that those in one party are better or kinder or more giving than those in another party – absolutely not. However, I have a feeling there are a lot of people out there who equate last night’s event with just that.

 

Again, my heart is breaking.

 

I will get over it. 

• We will redirect funds and re-plan certain things we had in motion
  for the future.
• We will pray for the future of this country 
• We will pray for the office of the president and that he will make the correct choices for the country (lest you confuse this – I am called to respect the office of the president…I am not called to respect the occupant of the office – that doesn’t mean I don’t pray for him…daily.).
• We will pray for those of our men and women in the Armed Forces who will be greatly affected.
• We will earnestly pray for Israel. All I can say is, if you don’t know why we would pray for them, you need to start doing some studying.
• I will pray for people to mutually respect other’s thoughts and opinions. That we will have respectful dialogue and discussion, without ridicule and berating.

Those are my thoughts on Election 2012. I will recover and so will everyone else who is feeling the same way.

 

Should you be feeling differently – may you take a moment to ask yourself how you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot? You might think twice about that snarky comment you were about to make.

 

 

The Family Butterfly...

November is a special month. 

Not because it is No-Shave November, and my blessed son, and his precious friends, would have you believe! 

No, because it is a month that we set aside to count our blessings. Ofcourse, we should take time every day, of every month, to count those blessings…butthis month in particular it seems more people take time out of their day to do so. Social media promotes it and I’m so glad it does.  

Taking a few beats each day to reflect on what we have been given reminds us that not everyone has been gifted with the amazing people/places/things we have. 

In keeping in line with my last few posts, I want to write about one of the biggest blessings to be given to me…and so many Mothers of Sons cannot say what I’m about to say! 

I am so blessed to have the beautiful daughter in-law that I have. I couldn’t not have hand-picked a better young woman to have married my son.  

Ruth Ann is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, loving young woman I have ever met. I am not just saying that either. I feel that through and through.  

I could not feel more love for this young woman if she were my own daughter by birth. 

I look at her and my heart swells with pride. 

She and PJ met up at Ravencrest in 2005. They began courting that November and the summer of 2006 she made the big move to Tucson (she is from Wisconsin…and to make things much more difficult…she is a twin!). To say that I was so grateful then would be an understatement of epic proportions.  I cannot imagine my only child living away from me (I still can’t imagine that).  

When I met her parents for the first time in May of 2006 at PJ’s Ravecrest graduation, her mom told me, “We always knew Ruth would be the one to move away from home.” I kissed her and hugged her so hard because even though they ‘knew’ that…only a mom knows the feeling another mom feels when a child moves away. 

At any rate – November of 2006 rolled around and PJ asked Ruth for her hand in marriage…I was on cloud 9.  They were married in July 2007 in a beautiful ceremony here in Tucson.

Ruth is the daughter of my heart. She is so creative and loves to craft with me. She is patient with me when I ask her if she will be a model for me to practice my photography skills…and who wouldn’t want her for a model…SHE’S BEAUTIFUL!!!! 

I love her – I’m so happy to call her family – and I can’t wait to see all of the dreams we have planned and plotted together come to fruition in some form or another (she gets me…and all that is my ‘glitter side’!!).

Sweet Ruthie Girl, may God pour his abundant blessings out on you. May He show you where your talents are to be used and how best to grow those talents. May you see all that He has in store for you and be amazing at each turn how He chooses to use you in the lives of others. Most of all, may you feel how loved and wanted you are all of the time. May you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are our daughter…forever!!

My Heart…Momma Mac

This song is the song I chose to play for her portion of their wedding video – it so reminds me of her…she is truly a butterfly in our family garden!

A Mother's Heart...

I’m going to take a few posts over the next little while to put some of my feelings down about my family members. I wrote about Roger and me a few posts back. I’ve been thinking a lot about
family – maybe getting older does that to you (and maybe the fact that my body is getting used to running that is making me feel old – thus the reflection!).

At any rate, family it is…so, here we go.

I’m a mom.

More specifically, I am P.J’s mom.

Patrick Joseph Donald Allen was brought in to my life on May 16, 1986 at 1:10am - after 24 hours of labor (had delivered him at home). Long, curly blonde hair; Beautiful, blue eyes.

Perfect.

I didn’t know if I was having a boy or a girl, but I prayed so hard for a boy that I’m pretty certain my heart would have been broken for a little bit if that had not been the case.

I was 10 days shy of my 18^th birthday – and 2 weeks shy of my high school graduation ceremony. If you know me, you know the story behind how I became a teenage mom – it would shape who I
would become as an adult.

So here I was, 17 and holding a beautiful, perfect baby boy: I can remember looking at him and thinking how in the world was I going to not ruin this perfect little man!? I was so happy, scared, nervous, amazed and numb all at once.

I swear my heart must have expanded 100 times over with the love I had. Who knew you could love someone, or something, this much. I almost didn’t know what to do with that love.

My parents were my lifeline then. I could not have done any other that without them. I hate to even think about that because it makes my stomach flip-flop.

I was thinking back today over all that PJ and I went through when I was a single mom. I was lucky to have parents who afforded me the luxury of being able to stay home with him for 2 years. I was also lucky to have parents who pushed us out of the next when it was time.

We faced a lot in his young life:

• A heart murmur before the age of 5.
• 60% combined loss of hearing before the age of 7.
• Speech therapy and relearning language skills beginning at 7.

All of those things made us stronger as a family, more empathetic, and certainly more
educated on different areas of life (back then, we were in the beginning of learning how to teach a child multi-sensory ways of learning. You learn quickly when your child is suddenly wearing the diagnosis of dyslexia, dyscalculia and dysgraphia.)

Being PJ’s mom made me who I am.

Being his mom was what I was put here on this planet to be. I know that into the deepest core
of my marrow. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, we have struggled and we don’t have the perfect relationship: we
drive each other crazy sometimes. But my heart beats for him and there isn’t ANYTHING I wouldn’t do or give him if I could.

There are moments that are defining moments for me in PJ’s life: a lot of them are the
obvious ones – first steps, first tooth, first words.

However, the moments that have been bigger for me are the moments that he was taking steps away from me:

• The day he went on his first missions trip to Mexico (thank goodness the Munros were with him…at least I knew a mom was there!).
• The time we took him to Ravencrest in Estes Park and left him there for school (I cried until I could no longer see the Rocky Mountains in the side-view mirror…and then Cindy Harrison called to see if I was ok, and I cried until we got to the New Mexico border!)
• Watching his heart be broken by someone he liked, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.
• Then watching him fall in love and marry his best friend (oh how that walk down the aisle nearly did me in. I don’t think my heart knew what to do or how to feel…but I sure did get a good daughter out of that! She will be in a future post).

There are more moments to come, of that I have no doubt. I look forward to them.

So, Patrick Joseph – my prayer for you is that you experience life in abundance in all that God
has set out before you. That you know His love over and above any other love you have ever known. That God’s blessings and mercies are poured out upon you and Ruthie-girl over and over and over again. That you always know you are loved. That you never forget you were, and are, wanted.

Most of all – may you never forget that NO ONE will love you like I do, and that I am always standing here cheering loudly for you.

I am your biggest fan, my child!

I love you -Te amo - Je t’aime - Ich Liebe dich - Ялюблю тебя

This is our song…our dance at your wedding.

 

A Beautiful Life...

So…life has thrown a few curve balls that I wasn’t
expecting. I guess that is the whole premise of a curve ball…to take you by surprise.

At any rate, I’m truly always consumed with my
spiritual heart – am I giving enough? Am I growing enough? Would this make God
happy? And I find that in the midst of that sometimes all-consuming thought
process, I am buried with guilt and the knowledge (at least in my head) that I
am nothing to God. That He must be so ashamed of my actions and motives and
words.

And here’s the truth…He loves me more than anything I
can ever imagine.

The better thing – He is actually making me into
something pretty good.

The other day I came in the house and was looking
around at all that needed to be done and I just felt defeated and worthless. I
walked in to the bathroom and caught my own eye in the mirror (and no, I didn’t
wink at myself!). At that very moment it was as if God Himself was right next
to me saying, “Don’t you see what I see? Can’t you remember what you used to
be? Look at what you are now. You are MINE…MY child. I made you and I love you
and I will get you where you need to go.”

Oh how I struggle with that. Because WHY would He want
to even know me?

And then it hits me again – not to bring about an ego
or puff up with pride, but to encourage my heart.

He says to my heart: “You are funny; you are loving;
you have empathy; you understand; I’ve given you wisdom in so many areas; you provide
so much for your family; you are creative even though you don’t feel like it
right now: most of all…you are growing in to the woman I intend you to be.”

I live everyday wanting to be a better person – sometimes
I get so lost in the trying to ‘be’ that I forget to let Him ‘be’ with me and
show me all that He has provided me.

This song fits so perfectly with my thoughts and
feelings of late. I hope that someone gets something from it…its beautiful
(play on words intended).

 

Doing the Impossible...

So, a few days ago I posted about forgiveness. I think
that has been a theme in my life the past many months of this year.

It a hard thing to do – forgive. It means letting go of
the idea that you have the right to revenge. Funny thing is that when you can
finally get to the point of forgiving someone, it is really more for you than
it is for them.

So, there have been some pretty deep wounds that I have
not let God fully heal because I held on to the idea that I had the right to
hold on to the hurt. Oh, I would fool myself (and others) into thinking that I
had moved past that time, or that I was just fine. In fact, the wound was still
there just as deep and ugly as when the hurt first occurred.

I think I struggled for a few reasons: in one situation
church people were involved and in my head, church people shouldn’t do things
like that and if they do SOMEONE has to hold them accountable!

Yeah, well…that got me about as far as 7 feet into the
10 foot deep end with a brick tied around my foot!

The big lesson there: never put your faith in man…they
will disappoint you every time. That is a situation that, in spite of time,
continues to linger just because people continue to talk and others continue to
believe. Sadly, I always wonder when those who are listening might want to come
and get the other side of the story.

Alas, I am not in control…and so my hand opens and I
let this hurt be taken away. Maybe I will hear an apology, maybe I won’t. Maybe
things will be restored and wrongs will be righted…maybe they won’t. It’s no
longer mine and I will allow Him to take it and do with it what He will.

The other situation that has burned for a long time has
to do with a family member - someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

Guess what…without a belief in something bigger than one’s
self, there no such thing as unconditional. You can’t do it. There will always
be conditions. Apparently, the bar was set higher than I could reach. That’s ok…I
can open my hand and let that one go as well. It’s not mine to control and I
have no idea what might be going on over on that person’s side of the fence.
Nor is it my place to know. Should there never be restoration that will be ok.
I hurt for myself; I hurt for my child and for any of his children, but it will
be ok. I am not here to gain this person’s love that they do not have to give.

All of this is ok…know why? Because I believe in a
Power far greater than anything I could imagine. In a Healer that will heal
deeper than I knew the hurt went. A Giver that will give me way beyond my way
beyond.

It’s only take me most of my life to figure all of that
out. And, I’m not fooling myself – I’m not there yet. I know that there are
still moments of breath-taking sharpness that will come as if from nowhere, that’s
ok too. Because I’m certain that, with each moment like that, the pain will be
less and less…as long as I am willing to keep my hands open and keep giving the
hurt over.

My prayer, over and above healing for me, is that I don’t
inflict the same hurt on others. That if I do, He brings it to my attention so
that I can make it right. And yes, those will be humbling and possibly
humiliating moments: but I don’t want to cause suffering. I want to be a better
person than that. I want to offer something better from my heart than the
ugliness that is so easy to toss out there.

All of that to say – it is funny how music often brings
about some of the best revelations and acknowledgements.

The post HERE a few days ago had a great video on
forgiveness.

Today’s is equally as good…(lyrics are below the
video).

"Losing"

By Tenth Avenue North

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Don't they know it's wrong, yeah?
Maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love, this is hate...
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Well it's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times
'Cause Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
Though I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.

This is love, this is hate...
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
'Cause I feel like the one losin'

Oh, no!

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace, Father, send Your angels down.

Of A Life Together...

This past June 13 we celebrated 20 years of marriage (yes, you can laugh at the photo, it is awful in more ways than just the high quality scan – the early 90’s still embraced the trends of the 80’s!).

I’m here to tell that getting to this point as NOT been easy!

To those who say that they want to be married and life is easier for married people…I beg to differ. The grass is not always greener on
the other side…its greener where you water it.

We struggled out first few years – rightfully so. I was the mom of a 6 year old, scared to death I was going to mess him up for life. Roger
was a 34 year old bachelor and had been set in his ways for a long while. Add to that, we are the true epitome of ‘opposites attract’ – I am a total extrovert and he is NOT! He is a total genius and I am NOT!

Let’s just say, the first few years of marriage in our word 2 + 2 did not add up to 4!

Alas, we were made for each other. Of that I have no doubt. He  looks at me like no one else ever has. I cherish him in a way that I know
nobody else has. He gave me stability that I longed for; I gave him some wild spontaneity that I’m sure he never imagined (poor guy never knew what he was coming home to or where we were going!). We are each other’s ‘lobsters’ (anyone remember that
show?).

The verse that we have clung to since our wedding day is this:

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: ¹⁰ If
either of them falls down, one can help the
other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. ¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? ¹² Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

It is the last line of verse 12 that has
pulled us through. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Amen.

God is the One who has gotten us through.
Divorce has never been an option. For us, our vows were a covenant – we live in a covenant marriage. That does not mean that either one of us hasn’t thought about how it might be easier. But the reward of getting through to the other side of the ‘ick’ is so much sweeter having gone through the rough spots
together.

I watched many friends go through divorces
and my heart breaks for them. I won’t lie, it scares me to death. I find myself during those times coming home to Roger and saying, “I know you won’t, but I just need to say it out loud – please don’t ever leave me.” His response is always the same…”I could never leave you – you are my breath. And…right back at ya!”

Yeah, some times he’s a whiz with the spoken word – others…not so much!

 

So, as we get into the next phase of our
lives together, we are working through all new issues and struggles. We are
also finding freedoms that we never had before and truly getting to relearn who
we are and walk through it together. It is causing us to become more in tune
with each other in many ways – and in many ways we are learning the things that
really bug us and the things that we can totally let go because they just aren’t
important anymore. It’s wild!

 

 

 

 

I’m putting 2 videos in today – one is the song we had sung at our wedding (Household of Faith). Dear friends of ours sang it and it still gives me goose bumps.

The other is a newer song (Wedding Day) that entered the scene just before our anniversary this year and it speaks volumes to me about faith and marriage…and life.